Surgeons ask themselves different questions about their patients than other doctors. Primary care doctors ask what the patient has. What is the problem? (This is changing as we are..slowly…waking up to the concept of finding out who the patient is in addition to just focusing on the problem, since they are, uh, slightly related issues.) Anyway, surgeons ask: Does this patient need an operation? What is going on is less important then that question. Someone else can figure out what the disease is. If I remove a tumor I still don’t know what it is until the pathologist looks at is under the microscope. My job is to figure out that the patient needs an operation to remove a mass.
The question I think I need to answer in my life is not always the obvious one. When I feel fear, I usually think something is wrong with me because of that. Why do I resort to fear. Where is my courage? This again? etc.
Maybe the fear is trying to teach me something. Maybe it is right to feel that fear. Maybe I can trust that fear sometimes to keep me in line with something. I have such a harsh judgement about it that I usually disregard it as a weakness. I am feeling fear in my life these days and I am learning that I should at least see if the fear is asking the right question for who I am. Knowing that the question has its own validity and place in my heart, opens me up to sit with the fear and let it have its say before I disregard it as my weakness. This is hard for me, really hard. I don’t want to feel negative things and I feel like a weak person when I am feeling fear. Maybe writing this will let my ego know that it can be quiet and let me learn something new.
Bend, OR 2006, Nikon D100