Abandon

Abandon

This life of mine feels like a dream.  It is a dream.  So is yours.  Here are some definitions for this handy word…

  • series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep
  • a state of mind in which someone is or seems to be unaware of their immediate surroundings : he had been walking around in a dream all day. (or his whole life, yup…)
  • a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal
  • an unrealistic or self-deluding fantasy : maybe he could get a job and earn some money—but he knew this was just a dream.
  • a person or thing perceived as wonderful or perfect: she is a dream.  (I like dreamy, as in creamy)

Wow.

My dream: my reality, the thing I think I make by thinking of it, the cherished ideal, the thing I think my life is about, this one vaporous life.  Follow your dreams is what they told us on graduation day.  When you meet someone who is living her/his dream, they have stopped looking, they are in themselves, they are not fidgeting any more. Something sinks in to this person, a weight, and they become themselves, for real.  They return to the inner child, they ascend to adulthood, they run and they do not get weary.  They run like that dog up there under Broken Top.  They sleep (dreamlessly) when they are tired.  They awaken without the gnawing anxiety that was once there with their breakfast. They seamlessly inhabit their skin. This is a rare person.  They have time, and they don’t need it.  They are good to be around, but it is disconcerting to be around them. Gravity does not pull on them the same way as for me.

It is important to live your dream. You can’t live anyone else’s, and it is also possible to not live your own.  Most people don’t. Most people don’t. Most people don’t. They end up walking around in a state, unaware of their personal surroundings, asleep for the only life, by chance, we have to live.

I say by chance, because I have given up on destiny, fate and ultimate purposes or reasons.  I am not giving up on life, or on the connection between two willful people that is called love.  I am just understanding that I don’t even know what my very next thought will be and no one (I mean No One) does either.  If we don’t even know our very next thought, how do live toward a Purpose.  We are shifty, unpredictable and that is not a bad thing. How to reconcile this unpredictability with the dream and its living,  all that good stuff about knowing who I am and what I think I want (at least this very second).  I think the two states, living my dream and wandering around in dreamland are a coin that is flipping, even now, and we are living the flip.  Can you feel that?  It is the air rushing past a coin turning on itself over and over.  It is the rush of the feeling of your life being lived.

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