Abandon

This life of mine feels like a dream. It is a dream. So is yours. Here are some def­i­n­i­tions for this handy word…

• series of thoughts, images, and sen­sa­tions occur­ring in a person’s mind during sleep
• a state of mind in which some­one is or seems to be unaware of their imme­di­ate sur­round­ings : he had been walk­ing around in a dream all day. (or his whole life, yup…)
• a cher­ished aspi­ra­tion, ambi­tion, or ideal
• an unre­al­is­tic or self-deluding fan­tasy : maybe he could get a job and earn some money — but he knew this was just a dream.
• a per­son or thing per­ceived as won­der­ful or per­fect: she is a dream. (I like dreamy, as in creamy)

Wow.

My dream: my real­ity, the thing I think I make by think­ing of it, the cher­ished ideal, the thing I think my life is about, this one vaporous life. Fol­low your dreams is what they told us on grad­u­a­tion day. When you meet some­one who is liv­ing her/his dream, they have stopped look­ing, they are in them­selves, they are not fid­get­ing any more. Some­thing sinks in to this per­son, a weight, and they become them­selves, for real. They return to the inner child, they ascend to adult­hood, they run and they do not get weary. They run like that dog up there under Bro­ken Top. They sleep (dream­lessly) when they are tired. They awaken with­out the gnaw­ing anx­i­ety that was once there with their break­fast. They seam­lessly inhabit their skin. This is a rare per­son. They have time, and they don’t need it. They are good to be around, but it is dis­con­cert­ing to be around them. Grav­ity does not pull on them the same way as for me.

It is impor­tant to live your dream. You can’t live any­one else’s, and it is also pos­si­ble to not live your own. Most peo­ple don’t. Most peo­ple don’t. Most peo­ple don’t. They end up walk­ing around in a state, unaware of their per­sonal sur­round­ings, asleep for the only life, by chance, we have to live.

I say by chance, because I have given up on des­tiny, fate and ulti­mate pur­poses or rea­sons. I am not giv­ing up on life, or on the con­nec­tion between two will­ful peo­ple that is called love. I am just under­stand­ing that I don’t even know what my very next thought will be and no one (I mean No One) does either. If we don’t even know our very next thought, how do live toward a Pur­pose. We are shifty, unpre­dictable and that is not a bad thing. How to rec­on­cile this unpre­dictabil­ity with the dream and its liv­ing, all that good stuff about know­ing who I am and what I think I want (at least this very sec­ond). I think the two states, liv­ing my dream and wan­der­ing around in dream­land are a coin that is flip­ping, even now, and we are liv­ing the flip. Can you feel that? It is the air rush­ing past a coin turn­ing on itself over and over. It is the rush of the feel­ing of your life being lived.