Fits

Hard deci­sions are rewarded with the feel­ing of fit­ting if I can find my truth in them. By fit­ting, I mean the ku-chunk that hap­pens inside when I release the truth into the world. The process of get­ting to the truth is rid­dled with com­pro­mises that steer me away. These com­pro­mises are based in fear. Not the fear of telling some­one some­thing they don’t want to hear, but the fear that I don’t deserve what is right for me. The fear of being greedy, etc. blah blah. I get the feel­ing of things falling into place, the fit, when I act on the fact that I am allowed to have my truth, that I am worth hav­ing it. I have earned it sim­ply by being here. My hes­i­ta­tion to say what I need is founded in the fear that I don’t deserve what I need, or what I want. Again, blah blah. I am not a vic­tim. Not only do I deserve my truth, but I am solely respon­si­ble for mak­ing it hap­pen. There is not going to be some­one to swoop in and make hap­pen what needs to hap­pen for me. I get the joy of that and the respon­si­bil­ity of that. This lat­ter thing about the respon­si­bil­ity is as, or more, impor­tant to me than the right to have my say. When I give up my respon­si­bil­ity to myself, I have truly abdi­cated free­dom itself.

Today a friend shared with me a dif­fi­cult truth for her, a truth that ends a long rela­tion­ship with me – or at least fun­da­men­tally changes it. I could feel the pent up worry flow away with the sim­ple telling of what she wanted. It was so good to see, so good to feel that fear melt away, to be in her coura­geous pres­ence. Felt clean and right. She stood on her own piece of ground and claimed what she needed in that moment. Great exam­ple for me, even though it was hard to hear.

Every time it is worth it when I act on my right to be here.

Bend, OR 2010