Hard decisions are rewarded with the feeling of fitting if I can find my truth in them. By fitting, I mean the ku-chunk that happens inside when I release the truth into the world. The process of getting to the truth is riddled with compromises that steer me away. These compromises are based in fear. Not the fear of telling someone something they don’t want to hear, but the fear that I don’t deserve what is right for me. The fear of being greedy, etc. blah blah. I get the feeling of things falling into place, the fit, when I act on the fact that I am allowed to have my truth, that I am worth having it. I have earned it simply by being here. My hesitation to say what I need is founded in the fear that I don’t deserve what I need, or what I want. Again, blah blah. I am not a victim. Not only do I deserve my truth, but I am solely responsible for making it happen. There is not going to be someone to swoop in and make happen what needs to happen for me. I get the joy of that and the responsibility of that. This latter thing about the responsibility is as, or more, important to me than the right to have my say. When I give up my responsibility to myself, I have truly abdicated freedom itself.
Today a friend shared with me a difficult truth for her, a truth that ends a long relationship with me–or at least fundamentally changes it. I could feel the pent up worry flow away with the simple telling of what she wanted. It was so good to see, so good to feel that fear melt away, to be in her courageous presence. Felt clean and right. She stood on her own piece of ground and claimed what she needed in that moment. Great example for me, even though it was hard to hear.
Every time it is worth it when I act on my right to be here.
Bend, OR 2010