The no for art. The no for a mess. The no for a wrong answer. The no for less than great. The no for maybe not genius, clever, smart, uncanny. The no for average. The no for not even starting. The no for being laughed at. The no for being too sexy, too naked, too raw, for skirting the flirting of an addiction. The sink hole of the no.
Where did I learn that I could not draw? From the youngest age I remember knowing (no-ing) that I could not draw. My houses were little boxes, my faces were circles and triangles. Like, you know, Picasso.
I heard so many no’s as a child. I remember so many more of those than yes. I do not remember any “make a mess and let’s play in it.” So why isn’t a clean little orderly corner a value that I hold the way they did? Why am in discordance with everything they told me? It is because there is a lie running down the spine of all that stuff. The me that knows that still hears the voice. The me that shows up to paint is my hero. The me that fails at a photograph is my hero. The me that is waiting for a completely lost day with no food or water because I have to do this useless, make no money, this apparently mindless thing, this art.
If I sink into the passion of this art I might not emerge for a long while. I might be late for something, for dinner, for nothing – and nothing can somehow be enough? What am I afraid of? What are the lead boots about? Procrastination is a kind of sideways anger. Fear. Who is behind that curtain? Judgment at every turn in my mind. Are these excuses or lies? What is the difference? They told me lies. I tell myself excuses. The talking has me paralyzed and doing nothing. A loving silence to the voices. A loving hug and a knowing glance to the no. I am not fighting the no today. I am holding it and giving it a chance to take a nap. It is ok. Truth is, I am not paralyzed because I wrote this, because I took this picture. Because I told you.
You know, I do know what the voice of the no is: It is all these things I have written about here. It is 5 more pages of these kinds of things and who represents them. It is not them. It is me. Finally, that is the truth. There is no one else keeping score, watching or judging. What a relief. How about holding this little part of me that is the artist and being that and seeing who loves that part, the part that is my hero…There is no requirement for dissecting the whole ghost of that shame, that not-an-artist-worker bee. The part that got in line and that does real and good work, but that is now rest-less. I don’t have to know all the why of how I got here or what happened. Who cares? I know it well and I have asked for help in facing it and at times I will go back to see what is up with it. Now maybe is not that time.
Less talk, more touch. Less fear, more wonder. Don’t ask what I think. My little brain gets hopped up on that like it is crack. Be. Dwell in a puddle of muck, and not know why. Not care. Sing — at least sing on the inside. Dance a little. Empty the containers and let the waters flow — make one me. Create this, intend this.
For me these words on my banner today:
Experience
No
Thinking
Do.
Stephen– I enjoy your work as an artist…so much! To me, your addressing the scripts we’ve been given all our lives that become the core of “who we are”. But who are those who gave them to us? Parents, Teachers, Sunday School Teachers, Youth Leaders, Friends, Parents of Friends, Pastors, Strangers, etc., etc. etc.. They all meant well (at least, most I believe did). But who gave them permission? Were they the right scripts for my life? Some were, many weren’t. Even I’m a culprit to others…impressing my values without their permission, or most likely, neither of us were cognitive that the impression I was making was the wrong script for them. Ignorance on both of our parts. I’m currently reevaluating those scripts that are at the core of my life, which, to me, seem so deeply embedded…yet somehow I seem to be only scratching the surface. As you know, I have three businesses, which keep me fairly busy. I recently outsourced a huge portion of my work load, which has freed up a substantial amount of my time. In addition, I took on an additional business opportunity that quickly filled the void. Because the opportunity is extremely fascinating and has huge financial upsides…it has the essence of a new beginning, a new frontier so to speak. So, I’m taking the time to reevaluate all my deepest values and desires and I’m using those core principles in my life as the “guide post” in which to evaluate them. Everything in my life is currently under the microscope, I want to enrich and bring value to those relationships that mean the most to me (Christ, my marriage, my children, my closest friends, etc.) while balancing or even eliminating the other activities or relationships that will keep us or assist us in experiencing all that God has planned for us. It’s amazing how difficult this can be. Example, “The Woman on the Canvas”, has helped me explore and even dive deeper into a more intimate relationship with my wife, whom I love very much. I want us to have a deeper relationship so I’m willing to look at the obstacles in my life that may be preventing us from obtaining that goal. When all is said and done, we are but one breath away from eternity…and I want it to be a breath of fresh air.
Thanks Steve. I like your ending line. I also appreciate the questions you raise. I think we are influenced by all of “them” – parents, teachers, etc. The values of a working society dictate that kids, at some point, stop playing and start standing in line. Preserving the value of play in the face of the necessity for work is a trick that only some re-arrive at during their lives. It is part of our birthright to have those around us hurt us – especially those who love us the most. I believe that this is the legacy of Adam and Eve’s apple – the disconnection and hurt that necessarily comes from our most loved. We can’t help it, it seems. Restoring our relationship with our own selves is an important work in a life. It allows us to develop new and deeper relationships outside ourselves, I believe.
As always, thank you for continuing to read and for adding to the conversation.
s
I am drawn to the blues in this photograph and the deep green in the center has a majestic quality to it, absolutely stunning photograph. This photograph is fierce, strong, and powerful. It looks like the pagoda is being lifted to the heavens. It definatley makes me want to say, “YES!” I really do look forward to seeing what you have posted.
I started an Artist’s Way group here and one of our tasks last week was to write down three enemies of our creative self-worth. I had a hard time coming up with a specific enemy, it wasn’t my parents, it was society or school or teachers. I always thought I was not artistic because I couldn’t draw. I didn’t really feel a huge passion for drawing, but I always liked to color. But I was the smart girl that was supposed to excel at subjects like math and science. Anyway, another task was to write a “letter to the editor” in defense of our creativity. I found myself getting really angry, angry at teachers especially. I got angry at my ballet teacher. I had always loved ballet and took classes for 12 years but I gave it up, even though I was very good, but my teacher gave me no notice because she was too involved with the popular girls, the teacher’s pets. I realized I was furious at many of the adults who shaped my education. It wasn’t until I was out of college and left to do as I wanted that I started doing creative things.
I went and watched the clip from Ken Robinson and really enjoyed viewing it. My son came in and started watching it with me so he got his back rubbed. I have been in education for 23 years and see what the two of you are talking about. I am a school librarian, but also teach a sewing class. The kids enjoy it, but the other day a teacher assigned a mandatory tutoring for a student during my class. I think it is ridiculous how some teachers think one course is more important than another. Some kids will only go to school because of their electives. If they did not have sewing, art, shop, band, etc. they would not come. I think we are doing our children an injustice as we take more and more electives out of the school curriculum. I have been fortunate because my own children have been able to be in both athletics and band. We do not have a football team; therefore, we do not have a marching band. I work at a school that has around 200 students and 70 of them are in the band. Our band nerds are also our athletes. They can do both. When I went to school I had to pick between athletics and the fine arts. I know part of me was never fulfilled as a result. I was physcially healthy, but not stimulated as I should have been in school. Thank you for sharing.
Pam
Have you checked out the blog on my blogroll, Her Own Terms? It is written by teacher in Philly. Really good, I think. Her passion for teaching would be a good match for the passion I hear in you. I agree with you. Who is to say what is more important for each kid. Do we really another billion business whizzes?
Thank you for writing Kathleen. I have been intimidated by the Artist’s Way. The commitment of it. Please let us (all of us who are hanging around Bend Light) know how it goes.
Funny, I am always so busy taking in your photograph and words that I have never noticed your Bloglines on the right. Thank you for sharing the one. I read a couple of them and found them interesting.