Once I became aware of what the world was asking of me in my life as a working man, I also understood that I had lost the unconscious, experience-only joy of my youth. Ironically, I did not understand the critical importance of this innocent part of my life until I was looking back on it. One of its features is that reflection and self inquiry are less important. It is all about innocent (pure) experience. It is a bliss that takes on the quality of loneliness and melancholy once I signed on to become a worker bee and was looking at my earlier life in the rearview.
I am learning that I can’t go back to that innocent joyous state, but I do miss it. The trick now is to have my awareness of the world and of its meaninglessness and still recover the joy. It is to be conscious, not innocent and to be in acceptance. The drugs we all took were about trying to erase the consciousness and generate joy – to recreate what I had as a child. They turned out to be childish, rather than childlike. The benefit of using the drugs was that they pointed me in the direction of the prize. Being high, however, misses the necessary component of being here. I want to be here, earthed. Toes on the ground. And I want to be ok. I don’t know what this will mean for me yet, but I do know it isn’t what I thought it was 10 years ago.
Personally I have never used drugs or been drunk because I have always needed to be in control. I had a mother who did it for me and I watched her life crumble. She was absent parts of my life because she was drunk. I was always more the care taker for her. Fortunately I had a father that was grounded and raised me. My blissful moments consist of flying kites with my brothers in the park, going swimming, and going water skiing as a family. I don’t know how many times I think about just going for a swim. I love diving into a pool and instantly all the sounds change. It is my own type of drug. The other is going for a walk. I realize I need to do more of the things I love and I am trying to fit it in. I can remember when my now 18 year old nephew was about three. My brother said he wished he could bottle up his laugh and open it anytime he wanted. I know I just need to laugh more and enjoy the day be it at work, home, or play. Your posts are helping me explore my own life and making some personal changes and I am grateful.
Thank you Pam. I love these images that you share – concise and poetic. ARe you doing any writing yourself? I am very gratified that you are connecting with yourself by reading/looking/ at Bend Light. It is a two way street.
This is so true! I found this to be so in my life too. We go through these awkward stages in life of “being the child” to “becoming the adult”. The problem is, we’re just told to “grow up”. What does that mean? We can see it in our bodies and the bodies of our friends…sometimes attractive, sometimes not. But mentally and emotionally, it’s a different story. We go from being somewhat protected in our actions to becoming totally responsible, and somehow, our age is what initiates this. One minute, playing Frisbee golf is acceptable; the next minute it’s childish. Of course, during that minute we are somehow put under anesthesia (probably Propofol), transformed from a child to an adult, only to wake up more confused, bewildered, but of course, totally mature in our thinking ability and decision making process…and, obviously, equipped with the emotional capacity to understand the two. Yes, Dr. Society and Dr. DNA have accomplished one more successful surgery. But the pain from that surgery requires medication and for many of us, we had to rely on Dr. Street for the prescription. Fortunately, for most of us, we endured and made the necessary break-through, which somehow qualifies us to be decent citizens once again. Metamorphosis is complete, no longer a caterpillar, but truly a butterfly whose capable of flying much higher and further than ever dreamed of. However, our paths are filled with the memories of those who didn’t survive.
PS– I love the photography, the picture and the story it tells! All the beauty is on the path to the the open door. As for the open door…it’s very bright.
I enjoy writing for myself sometimes, but I haven’t had too much time recently. I have been going back to school and it takes up quite a bit of my extra time, but it has been good for me. I did have to write a reading autobiography about myself recently and I mentioned your blog in it. I also have a little project I let a couple of my English teacher friends read last year for feedback, but I haven’t gotten back to it. Perhaps now that it is cooler I will sit outside and work on it soon. Keep up your writing because I look forward to it everyday.
Nicely put. As for those who did not make it, I would recommend Jim Carroll’s poetry and the movie Basketball Diaries, although it is not for the faint of heart.
thank you. I will.