Pictures of Not Much

I feel like a for­eigner in my world at work some­times because this world – writ­ing, art, etc. feels sep­a­rate. At least that is how it started. As I write more and put up pic­tures and do things that feel uncom­fort­able like allow­ing myself to be known, I am notic­ing that I feel space open­ing up at work too. It is like doing this makes doing that bet­ter. Bring­ing the world of surgery into the writ­ing allows me to bring my cre­ative self into the process of being a sur­geon. It feels like I become less com­part­men­tal­ized. I am more known to more parts of me.

I know that sounds crazy, but there are parts of me that remain unknown to other parts. I keep them sep­a­rate. Writ­ing this here makes the com­part­ments dis­solve a lit­tle, and allows a feel­ing of flow­ing. It feels like water mov­ing. Of course it brings fear with it, like every hand hold I had bolted in to life get­ting loose. That is ok now that I have learned how to climb. I also know that I don’t have far to fall if I do fall.

What I mean by that is I don’t have to believe that I will crater if I make a mis­take. For much of my life I believed I had to be per­fect because I was so flawed and lost. I am nei­ther per­fect, flawed or lost. I just am. I do some things well, I make mis­takes, etc. I guess let­ting myself off the hook is called forgiveness.