I am wondering what it means to take something personally. I do that. I believe I am slighted, disregarded and within me a little crack appears on the surface of the ice. I keep skating and soon enough I am swimming. I create a whole world of make believe scenarios that, above all, do not help.
”You don’t like me, they think I do sloppy work,” etc. Even weirder is that part of me that can be slighted by myself! No one ”out there” has to say a word, and I can convince myself that I have burned the whole place down, that I am the core problem – even if there does not need to be a problem at all. Again, etc. What is that part of me that levels these accusations at my self? Ego, sentinel? Or maybe it is some other part and the ego is the one being bruised. Is it possible there are three voices (any friendly psychiatrist or psychologist or sage of any kind please feel free to weigh in) in me? 1..Some weird, harmful voice of self-loathing, 2..the ego that is bruised and feeling sorry for itself, and 3..the other little part that knows the truth. That little third part shows up here to write, and that little third part is my ticket out of the swamps of self pity.
Like the subway track’s third rail, that third part in me carries the juice. Touch it at your peril. It has always been there, just like the other two parts, but I have mostly not known. It has believed in me, and it has been me, when I was lost in a game of pong between the other two parts. I know all this sounds crazy, but as I get closer to my truest self the real weirdo parts of me come out of the woodwork. I have to write blog posts in which I invoke three parts of my own self in order to explain who I am, and I wonder if I am the only one who thinks like this. Seriously.
So, for holding the line and maintaining some semblance of my fundamental worth, I have brought myself some digital flowers…(were you wondering how that would all come together?)
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As I get older, I’ve learned to listen more and more to that third voice. It’s also apparent to me that the third voice is always at war with the other two voices. And, the other two voices are not at war with each other, in fact, they’re friends…the first voice is dominant in that relationship, the second is co-dependent. I like the flowers…who did you say sent them?
Hiya Stephen… I was very touched by this post. It wakened memories and saddened me that you live with this kind of pain. What I might suggest is that all aspects of ourselves, regardless of the way the present themselves (I believe), have a positive intention.… values that strengthen, protect or give definition to the self. If it were me, I would sit down with the self-loathing aspect and have a conversation(s) with it, get to know what it’s all about and work towards an agreement where it can still maintain it’s positive intentions and values without damage to you. As far as the ego goes, I believe that it’s good for them to be bruised, otherwise they can become bloated with the sense of their own self-importance. It seems to me that maybe these aspects of you have come to think that they are entities in and of themselves, not aspects of a greater Self. The picture that comes to mind is guard dogs whose job is to protect their owner, but have become so overly protective that now they won’t let their owner leave the house. The third voice, that beautiful voice that shows up here.… nourish that voice, give it all the attention you can possibly muster.… It will grow stronger, more sure and take it’s place in your life as the voice you turn to and rely on as your navigator. These thoughts are what came to me after I read your post… My truths may be much different from yours… Take Heart…you are in the process of finding your own.… I wish I could offer more. Peace to you, inside and out. Lee
Thank you Stephen and Lee. I agree with you both. All parts of us are needed to make the whole and even knowing that there is an authentic voice makes big differences.
Aaa! I forgot the most important thing!! –A sense of humour about the whole thing!! Always a key ingredient in a complicated emotional recipe! Don’t forget to add the dressing!!
The psychiatrist is in! All 3 voices are necessary as are any others that show up. Listen, evaluate and then just sit with it I always say. Look at it this way, at least you are actually self aware enough to tease it all out. Most of us just hear white noise and tune out. So triumphant is my assessment…
Bobbi
Oh good. I like that.