I have held many secrets in my life and have held them in spite of hurting people I love with the holding. I have held them because of the fear I felt about revealing my dark side – for me this side shows up with anything less than perfect, which is ridiculous, but it is true. But there are other reasons, more sinister. If I hold the secret then I persist in holding myself in low regard and I don’t have to be decent to myself and then I can’t be decent or loving to you. I get to stay stuck, victimized, anesthetized, etc. I am, as the saying goes, as sick as my secrets.
Irony…writers love finding it. Makes ”us” (am I a writer?) feel smart, which is fun. Here is some irony about secrets. Even though the content of the secret can be very hurtful, the most damaging part of the secret is the separation of not sharing who I am with someone who I say I love. The pain of the secret (and its apparent comfort for its holder) is not what it is, but that it is at all. It turns out (and I am not being ironic in saying this – I really never believed it until recently) that people who love me want to know my truth, no matter how painful, and I have shared painful, embarrassing and even shameful truths about myself – usually when my back was to the wall, but sometimes not even then, I am truly sad to say.
Example: I work with groups of courageous people who are trying to understand themselves and their relationships to their bodies on a deeper level. They want to know who they are and why. It’s a hero’s journey. They share with each other and with me all kinds of secrets – affairs, abuse, fantasies, self mutilation, lack of love for children. They are brave for real. No matter what secret a person in my groups shares, the group has always shown up, maybe felt shocked at first, but then loved the person more. More? Here is what I have learned about that. The content of secrets almost never matters; the holding of the secret is where the energy is. As one of my group members said today…Once you tell the secret, the shame has no place to be. I love that. The shame is not in the content, although that is the story we tell ourselves. The shame is the mortar that binds us to the act of holding the secret. Some of us, like me, use that mortar and bricks of secrets to create walls of separation which make me think I am safe in my little compartment. Other people have their own reasons. What are yours?
The trickiest part about secrets, I think is that they rob of us esteem. They put me in a one down position, and I use that place to avoid the responsibility of caring about and for myself. It lets me continue to tell stories that sound good but are not true. The stories allow me to abuse myself or anesthetize myself because those are the ways I learned to feel safe/loved/superior/inferior/etc. The end motives are not ”bad”, they just are.
When I out my secrets, I am creating room for my authentic self to show up. More importantly, I am making room for the deepest secret of all, which I think i will save for another day. I think I finally know what it is at least. I will stop here and give you a chance to think about yours, if you are the secret holding type that is…
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Obviously, the shrink in me loves this post. You are so right about the energy lying in the holding and separation. I don’t think a lot of men get that one. Thanks for writing this very open and insightful post. I have to think about this one today…
Bobbi
I agree. However, it seems to me that there’s a fine line between what is private and what’s secret. It’s good to know where that line is and who your sharing it with.
I agree with that Steve. I probably should have said that. The other, healthy side of secrets is called boundaries.
thank you bobbi. thanks for reading!
“I have held them because of the fear I felt about revealing my dark side – for me this side shows up with anything less than perfect, which is ridiculous, but it is true. But there are other reasons, more sinister. If I hold the secret then I persist in holding myself in low regard ”
I agree with Bobbi above, there is real shrink material here.
With respect, with regard to the above, I think you probably hold secrets in order to raise your status and value. Withholding information is a very established method of control.
With regard to the hero’s journey (BTW, an excellent interpretation at http://www.clickok.co.uk/index4.html ), I think you’ve put yourself in the role of hero. And further, the role of the underdog archetype.
But kudos for being open.
Thanks Danny for writing. You are right I think. The part of me that thinks it gains control with secrets is the part that needs to see the world differently and it is the part that is seeing the world differently these days. The status and value anyone retains by being compartmentalized comes with the price of isolation in the end. And, it is not the content of secret that creates the isolation, it is the process of continuing to tell the story (lie) that the secret is necessary. In other words, it is an empty control – like the mistake of making a fist around a handful of water. Not sure what you mean about the underdog, but it is interesting that in the same comment you mention a one up position of power and a one down position of underdog. This is a great description of the fractured life that occurs when anyone does not know there true value. They have to make up a position – either up or down. True, honest humility is being right-sized in the world and taking responsibility for that position. It is what I am aiming for.
The hero’s journey – yes every plot in Hollywood is based on the same structure. It might seem that it would somehow diminish its power, and maybe it has. Certainly it is trivialized, but the elements of the story are amazing compelling for us. We simply do not tire of this transformative process, and I believe we have opportunities to experience it for real in our own lives. do you see this process unfolding in the real world?
thank you for writing and for taking the time to write a considered response. I appreciate it. How did you come across the blog?
I say just let go of the secrets so you can love and feel with total abondonment.
this picture is sweet. delicate presentation of ethereal barriers allowing for emerging greens to be seen in their various arrays of stark exposure. i like the interplay of hiding and exposure. i like it I like it I like it. I like being known. easier for me to be known when the knower actually tracks w/me. what’s he hiding? he has his own agenda. we all do, us secretive, open knowers.