Around this corner
Where everything is still
A storm is brewing.
Once I stop thinking that things “shouldn‘t be this way” I start things as they are, and I start seeing opportunities. I am looking at myself and the changes going on in my life. I know I need help to make it through an inevitable turn. The problem for a guy like me is that I start questioning my right to ask for that help. Have I been there for others when they needed help? Have I done enough to earn a spot at the table of community spirit available to me and to you and to anyone asking?
I think this is not helping. Even saying it is a way of deflecting from reality. It sets up people around me to have to either rush in reassure me of something they would willing do anyway, which is a way of being “one down” and controlling and in the end is ego disguised at self effacement. Sticky. But I have to say it so that it is exposed to light. My friend Marsha recently wrote about our cracks and how we need them to let the light in. I believe this, but I am still attached to the veneer of who I think you should think I am. I am attached to poor definitions of several words: successful, competent, self sufficient. My connection to these words drops bread crumbs that allow various wolves to follow me and eventually put me in to the hot water of being alone and lonely.
So, as I go through the various changes in my life that are coming up–business faltering while a new family is arriving for instance–I will be needing help and I am starting to ask for it. Today I called and friend and simply said, what do you see here? what advice do you have? I don‘t know what to do. I was scared to do this but he was kind and honest but didn‘t spend time rescuing me. My fear was all based in my connection to all those words that I have misguided definitions for. My opportunity is to be honest about needing help, let it come and resist being cynical. I have a lot to be thankful for.
I have been writing about this a lot lately. Your patience, as I evolve here in front of you, is appreciated.