Cusp

Around this cor­ner
Where every­thing is still
A storm is brewing.

Once I stop think­ing that things “shouldn‘t be this way” I start things as they are, and I start see­ing oppor­tu­ni­ties. I am look­ing at myself and the changes going on in my life. I know I need help to make it through an inevitable turn. The prob­lem for a guy like me is that I start ques­tion­ing my right to ask for that help. Have I been there for oth­ers when they needed help? Have I done enough to earn a spot at the table of com­mu­nity spirit avail­able to me and to you and to any­one asking?

I think this is not help­ing. Even say­ing it is a way of deflect­ing from real­ity. It sets up peo­ple around me to have to either rush in reas­sure me of some­thing they would will­ing do any­way, which is a way of being “one down” and con­trol­ling and in the end is ego dis­guised at self efface­ment. Sticky. But I have to say it so that it is exposed to light. My friend Mar­sha recently wrote about our cracks and how we need them to let the light in. I believe this, but I am still attached to the veneer of who I think you should think I am. I am attached to poor def­i­n­i­tions of sev­eral words: suc­cess­ful, com­pe­tent, self suf­fi­cient. My con­nec­tion to these words drops bread crumbs that allow var­i­ous wolves to fol­low me and even­tu­ally put me in to the hot water of being alone and lonely.

So, as I go through the var­i­ous changes in my life that are com­ing up – busi­ness fal­ter­ing while a new fam­ily is arriv­ing for instance – I will be need­ing help and I am start­ing to ask for it. Today I called and friend and sim­ply said, what do you see here? what advice do you have? I don‘t know what to do. I was scared to do this but he was kind and hon­est but didn‘t spend time res­cu­ing me. My fear was all based in my con­nec­tion to all those words that I have mis­guided def­i­n­i­tions for. My oppor­tu­nity is to be hon­est about need­ing help, let it come and resist being cyn­i­cal. I have a lot to be thankful for.

I have been writ­ing about this a lot lately. Your patience, as I evolve here in front of you, is appreciated.