There is a feeling that arises in me when I am confronted with simply being in my own presence. It is fear. It drives me to distraction, any distraction. It is as if I am in middle of a room and I am always rearranging the furniture to avoid contact. I skirt around avoiding this uncomfortable part in me. What will happen if I settle down and just be with whatever is in the middle of that room?
As a result of all the avoidance, everything necessarily becomes about me. I have to wonder who I really am (that guy in the middle of the room, sitting alone) and so I am unable to hear anything without the constant filter of “how does this affect me, what are they doing to me, where am I?” If you are talking to me and I am not there, this is why. I am not with me either and so I am nowhere. I can‘t hear you. I lose out on you.
This journey I write about, trying to find my heart, is really about this. It is about stopping the process of walking around myself with my headphones on, being with whoever I am and sitting there until I realize that I just made up the fear anyway. It‘s all stories. Everything is ok, including me. I really am interested in you and interested in just hearing you. Let me take a seat here…
Sit, sit and sit some more. Sitting is a powerful act…
XO
B
I’ve sat in a room with you, had the pleasure of seeing you in yourself — after you guys spent a weekend in Hana. I’ll never forget how different you looked… Like an 11 year old kid… Just plain happy, a tiny bit sunburned, and in the moment of here and now.
That is the truth, for sure.
I believed the Brady fantasy too. It was what kept me going at the most difficult times. And while I have learned that we can’t fix our lives or our children’s in 24 minutes, I saw that Mike and Carol, with Alice’s help — were present. With my 14 year old hormonal daughter, my Chelsea, who is 5’8, figuring out her body and rhythms, school gossip, boys — I swear I have thought through some of the rough spots — what would Mike & Carol do? I can hear Mike’s soothing voice, Carol saying “oh Mike…”. Here’s to that California ranch house (thank god they never moved!), Tiger, kids racing down the stairs, raiding the fridge, and those parental talks in the den, living room and Mike & Carol’s bed.
NICE!
Hi, by the way.
s