Wander

Being able to say what I need has been one of the hardest things for me to do in my life.  Most of the time, meaning many many years on end, I have literally not known the answer to the question, what do you want/need.  Maybe as a result of that (or vice versa) I diminished what I thought I needed.  I tried to disappear, not exist.  The tricky part of that is that it was my ego looking for a back door in to the spot light of your attention still, even when I was fading in to the background.  I can’t explain how, and it doesn’t help to make too big a deal out of that part, but it’s in there. Mostly though I just had no idea what I felt, what I wanted, what I needed.  I stayed paralyzed in that.  I tried lots of things to help me feel so I could know where I began and ended.  Some of them worked.

What has worked best is simply using my voice to say what is true about me.  Starts with things like:  I am hungry.  That sun is in my eyes.  Little stuff.  Eventually I was able to expand in to saying deeper truths:  you won’t abuse me anymore, because I deserve better.  Or, I need to explore my inner spaces so that I can return to the world without being insane.

I am struggling to remember what I have learned.  I am forgetting myself.  I am feeling adrift, off the path of me.  This is my truth in this moment.

 

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8 Responses to Wander

  1. Stephen L. Parkhurst says:

    Like the footprints in the snow, barely visible to someone else, wondering off the path, which was designed to go somewhere. Both the path and the footprints are moving in a similar direction. Are the footprints being guided to take a short cut to one of the homes seen in the near distance? Or, have they unknowingly strayed, absent of understanding, absent of their whereabouts.

  2. Crystal says:

    I’d love to turn the umbrella to shade your eyes from the sun… Anytime. It’s amazing to hear your truths, it always moves me & helps me to see more clearly the man my best friend has fallen in love with.
    I’m serious about the umbrella…

  3. Misa says:

    16ae03512bOnly a smiling viotsir here to share the love (:, btw outstanding design and style. The price one pays for pursuing a profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side. by James Arthur Baldwin. 185

  4. Lakesha says:

    Gia, you are a brilliant runner and a brilliant writer. Thank you for being such an inotpraiisn.  Thoroughly enjoy your blogs – you have such great perspective, thank you for sharing with all of us.

  5. In other news, rumors that the show’s producers announced they were considering filming Poppy Montgomery in something other than a tight tank top remain unconfirmed.

  6. d6I love this recipe! It sounds so refreshing and light. I love me some pistachios, so I perked right up when I read the title. Congrats on your name change, Chef Amber Shea!

  7. Furrealz? That’s marvelously good to know.

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