Being able to say what I need has been one of the hardest things for me to do in my life.  Most of the time, meaning many many years on end, I have literally not known the answer to the question, what do you want/need.  Maybe as a result of that (or vice versa) I diminished what I thought I needed.  I tried to disappear, not exist.  The tricky part of that is that it was my ego looking for a back door in to the spot light of your attention still, even when I was fading in to the background.  I can’t explain how, and it doesn’t help to make too big a deal out of that part, but it’s in there. Mostly though I just had no idea what I felt, what I wanted, what I needed.  I stayed paralyzed in that.  I tried lots of things to help me feel so I could know where I began and ended.  Some of them worked.

What has worked best is simply using my voice to say what is true about me.  Starts with things like:  I am hungry.  That sun is in my eyes.  Little stuff.  Eventually I was able to expand in to saying deeper truths:  you won’t abuse me anymore, because I deserve better.  Or, I need to explore my inner spaces so that I can return to the world without being insane.

I am struggling to remember what I have learned.  I am forgetting myself.  I am feeling adrift, off the path of me.  This is my truth in this moment.


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5 Responses to Wander

  1. Stephen L. Parkhurst says:

    Like the footprints in the snow, barely visible to someone else, wondering off the path, which was designed to go somewhere. Both the path and the footprints are moving in a similar direction. Are the footprints being guided to take a short cut to one of the homes seen in the near distance? Or, have they unknowingly strayed, absent of understanding, absent of their whereabouts.

  2. Crystal says:

    I’d love to turn the umbrella to shade your eyes from the sun… Anytime. It’s amazing to hear your truths, it always moves me & helps me to see more clearly the man my best friend has fallen in love with.
    I’m serious about the umbrella…

  3. Misa says:

    16ae03512bOnly a smiling viotsir here to share the love (:, btw outstanding design and style. The price one pays for pursuing a profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side. by James Arthur Baldwin. 185

  4. Lakesha says:

    Gia, you are a brilliant runner and a brilliant writer. Thank you for being such an inotpraiisn.  Thoroughly enjoy your blogs – you have such great perspective, thank you for sharing with all of us.

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