What It Takes

The music that plays while I am waiting on the phone brings me closer to homicidal than almost anything I can think of…until the voice (I’ll call her Joan) comes on to remind me to look for upcoming specials and to continue to wait. Then I am more homicidal. The music is like a deep water drill bit sinking in to, all the way inside of, me. It hurts. But, of course, hanging up means they win. I won’t let that happen. I have already entered my account number so I have a spot in line, and even though the person who might eventually interrupt Joan, will definitely ask me for the number again (making me beyond mad, beyond words, actually almost bringing me to tears, but not quite–the anger finds a way back), I wait and I listen.

I start wondering about who the people are who are playing the instruments that makes this sound that I am hearing. Maybe it is all a computer. I hope so, because I can’t bear to think about the guy playing the sax on one of these cuts. He carries his instrument to a studio in Indiana probably, or North Carolina (nothing against Indiana or North Carolina. In fact, check out this photographer from both places. Here is his blog, here is the website  and here is a photo of his that I love. His name is Stephen Jesse Taylor. Don’t know him and I didn’t ask for permission to talk about him, but he does write and make photographs and he spells Stephen correctly so I have taken liberties. Check him out, add his blog to your reader. He’s good.) because the price of doing business is favorable for the company that records this music. So he arrives, exhaling his last drag as he walks in. When he sits down next to his tired colleagues to both see and play for the first time while being recorded, the inane versions BJ Thomas songs, all he can do is sigh, close his eyes, and wet his reed.

The music way outlasts my short story about the sad musician, however. It is like time itself or the endless rains that carved out the grand canyon. It is patient. I start thinking that the music is actually eating my brain. Parts of it (my brain) feel gone as I am listening. I remember that in malls the music is chosen to discourage fights–happy, light, like this music on the phone, actually. As mad as I started out feeling, I am now, again, feeling the anger melt away. The sound has taken root in me, it is part of me now. I am docile and polite and ready to give the nice man my account number.

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30 Responses to What It Takes

  1. Bobbi says:

    You’re way ahead of me in the homicidal ideation reduction strategy! I need a muzak meditation!

  2. And then someone, a real human being, finally answers and ask for all the same information I’ve already entered into the phone, then announces that I need to be transferred to another department, only to hear “We are experiencing unusual wait times, your call will be answered in approximately two minutes.” So I’m waiting and as the 15 minute mark hits, all of a sudden I hear an all-too-familiar click, and then the DIAL TONE!!!!!!!!

  3. Barbara says:

    It seems so many of us have the reaction you wrote above……..it’s crazy making and I try every way possible to think of how can I mute this sound. So far nothing……..it’s an endurance training I’ve decided.

  4. anita says:

    omg, you succumbbed! at least not without a rendition of the maddness that is. thank you.

  5. anita says:

    and p.s.
    the tone of your account reminds me of rufus wainwright’s song, “oh what a world.” it’s comforting.

  6. Kathleen says:

    Once, when I was transferred and put on hold many times, the lady finally came on the phone and said, “May I please ask for your account number again?” I lost it. My brain raged, “No you may NOT ask me. Then what? What are you going to do then? If you don’t have my account number, don’t ask me if you can ask me! Just freaking ask!”
    What I actually said was, “Well I guess I can’t really say no!”. She was actually very nice.
    This entry has reminded me that I have really numbed myself to hold music, I think I am thankful for that.

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