Little Of Me

I have gained weight in the last year. I work with peo­ple all day every day on this issue and here I am hav­ing gained enough weight that I know that other peo­ple notice, won­der, ques­tion. Enough that it is get­ting in the way of rela­tion­ships, most notably on my side. I feel less of me even though there is more of me. The less of me is what I am notic­ing the most, iron­i­cally. The part of me I have hold of is dimin­ish­ing. I am falling out of focus.
When I exer­cise I feel good. I don’t exer­cise much. When I exer­cise I lose weight, for­tu­nately. I am not exer­cis­ing. I am not able to give myself exer­cise as a gift, a chore or any­thing else. The rea­son is that I under­value me. There is not a mys­tery at work. I don’t have enough of me to have enough of me. I am writ­ing this to change this and to hold the inten­tion in these words to look for me in the move­ment of my well made and good enough body. I spend so much time in my head, but I live in this body. I want it back. I can’t really give it to any­one else or be all there while I have so lit­tle of so much of me.