This Is (Not) Grass

Scarcity brings out the fundamentals in a personality. I will use myself as an example, although I could refer to others in my life as well, “ex” people of several varieties, wives and business partners come to mind–these darker sides come out as people are leaving my life, I guess, or I maybe bring it out in them. Even if I do bring it out, I didn’t make them that way. Maybe no one did. A person who I thought I knew is completely different when things get tight. I bring it out in me too. I usually find that I am short on space or time. I contract, retreat. In the past when this went on long enough my depression or frustration would leak out as destruction–self, relationships, whatever. Now I try to ask for time or space to recharge. I do this blog, write or take photos. I fill the scarcity with the better side of me. Then I feel. Better.

I have said many times here that I have trouble with feeling things. I can literally feel nothing at times. Is that possible? Can I be blank? It is not unpleasant, but it is odd. We are emotional beings. I see it in my son. Feelings, like a river, flow through him. Thoughts however, do not. As thoughts come, the feelings have a hard time getting space. I misplace my feelings and I think my thoughts are feelings. I watch you all very carefully and I can tell you what I should be feeling. What should be feelings can be observations. It is hard to have thoughts and feelings at the same time. Since my brain thinks all the time, I have to ask it to quiet itself so I can have a feeling. These crazy conversations in me. How does this happen? Who is having these discussions. The me looking at me thinking of you, feeling for whom, living this life. As my boy finds his brain, which is really beautiful to see, his ability to have the flows of emotions will diminish. I know now that a human who does not feel his feelings will end up with distorted bubbles of emotions stuck inside him, but the brain does not give a shit. It thinks and thinks and it is good at it and it is very interesting too, in a way. I have to talk myself in to having feelings sometimes. If I don’t I miss out on love from my wife and love for my wife, joy with my son, satisfaction with work, with beauty. I rail against this tendency to see the world as a puzzle constantly. I do this because I can’t do anything else. I have to have my heart in order to have yours. My brain can’t be two things, like this crazy blue plastic grass someone planted can’t be real green grass. I look at my son at marvel at his open heart but I know his brain, his mind, is doing push ups, getting strong and waiting for him, with all its power and it downfalls. His work, like mine, is to know himself, head and heart. My job is to teach him generosity and honesty with both.

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3 Responses to This Is (Not) Grass

  1. Kathleen says:

    I suppose there are some people that don’t have problems feeling their feelings but it is a foreign concept to me. I remember some very depressed times in my life when I would yell out loud at myself (in my car) “why can’t you feel anything?”
    I had a yoga teacher that said to us during a rest pose, “Don’t just rest in your mind. Sometimes, you have to rest in your heart”. This was profound for me as it was different than quieting my mind, it was more like tuning in to what else was there, within you. There was a recognition that there is something else that is you, that is not your mind.

  2. Barbara says:

    I like what you both have written…….

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